I'm Sad
by DJ Moves
Summary: Whoa boy, I had no intention to have it be this...deep. Jounochi and Kaiba as assigned to work together over Spring Break so Jou can learn English. Instead, they start down a path of self-destruction. Complete
1. 01

Title: I'm Sad  
  
Author: DJ  
  
Rating: R But no sex. Just adult themes.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Yu-Gi-Oh! characters and I'm sorry I make them do the things I make them do.  
  
Summery: Whoa boy, I had no intention to have it be this...deep. Jounochi and Kaiba as assigned to work together over Spring Break so Jou can learn English. Instead, they start down a path of self-destruction.  
  
When did this start?  
  
Why do I feel this way?  
  
HOW could I feel this way?  
  
God, if it wasn't bad enough...  
  
I'm not perfect. My teachers think I'm stupid, my father ignores me, and my friend's pity me.  
  
I'm not even close to perfect.  
  
I'm loud, gullible, sloppy, and just plain stupid.  
  
All things he constantly reminded me to.  
  
Then there's what they couldn't see.  
  
I obsessions, the insecurity, the hate, the agony of being alive. All that I hid.  
  
The cuts, bruises, and tears.  
  
I couldn't hide the bruises and cuts all the time.  
  
Yugi thinks they're from my fights.  
  
Honda thinks they're from my dad.  
  
They're both wrong.  
  
He was right.  
  
They're from myself. 


	2. 02

How ironic.  
  
School.  
  
The one place I couldn't avoid him.  
  
There's where we were forced together.  
  
I swear my English teacher is a yaoi fan or something.  
  
Let's just say English isn't my best subject.  
  
No, don't get me wrong.  
  
I suck at everything.  
  
But I do manage to pass.  
  
But I can't speak English for crap.  
  
And I can't understand any of it.  
  
So I always keep my eyes down, doodling on a piece of paper.  
  
Yugi always filled me in afterwards, where I promptly forgot it all. English was the only class Yugi enjoyed.  
  
This was all before we got the new teacher. She immediately called me up to her desk after class.  
  
"Katsuya," she began.  
  
"Jounochi. In Japan, lady, we don't use given names without permission or knowing the person very well." I crossed my arms. I didn't give a crap about that shit, really. I just hate my given name.  
  
"Well, Katsuya, in western culture, we use given names, so that will be what I use. A problem?"  
  
"No, Andrea," her name sounding more like "Ai-en-di-ree-ai" on my tongue.  
  
She smiled at me. "Fine, we can be on first-name basis, if it makes you feel better. But you could work on your accent. In fact, you need to work on a lot more if you want to pass this class." Then she spoke in what I assumed was English.  
  
I gave her a void look. I said the only English word I knew. "No."  
  
She shook her head. "Fine, to break it down, I'm giving you a tutor."  
  
"A what?" I asked in disbelief.  
  
"A tutor," a snotty voice broke in from the door.  
  
A whirled around to glare at Kaiba. "Get the fuck out of here!" I yelled.  
  
"If you could repeat that in English, it would make my life easier, but unfortunately for me, mutt, I'm your tutor."  
  
I whirled back around to glare at the teacher. "Him?"  
  
She smiled at me. "What, you two look cute together. I can just see you two pouring over a book." She got a dreamy look on her face.  
  
"Listen, hentai mind, Kaiba and I can't stand each other."  
  
"Either way," she said, snapping out of her sick fantasy, "he's the best student in the class and I can't put him in English II this year. So during spring break, you two will study. We'll pick it up after the break. You may leave."  
  
I shot her one last dirty look, then bolted from the room. "Bitch," I muttered, slamming things into my locker, saying the other English word I knew.  
  
"You're a son of a bitch, mutt," Kaiba's cold voice said into my ear. It wasn't as cold as it usually was. It was like he was teasing me out of fun, not hate.  
  
"Speak for yourself, you stuck up asshole with nothing better to do than fuck with me." I started down the hallway.  
  
He kept up with me. "Come on, you don't know if it will be all that bad. She's right, we would look cute together."  
  
I turned around, eyes narrowed. "I'm not a faggot, Kaiba."  
  
He smirked. "Then I have nothing to worry about. Come on, I'll give you a ride home."  
  
I was surprised when he got out of the limo after me, telling the driver to be ready for a call.  
  
"Who said you could come over?"  
  
"Wood-Sensei. Now lets get going, we only have a week."  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
"This is my grade, too, Jounochi. You have to get at least a C or else I fail."  
  
"That's not fair because you'll never teach me. I've never gotten above a D in anything but gym, Kaiba." I stalked over to my door slamming it open. "So you might as well not bother," I spat.  
  
Still, he followed me in.  
  
"Will you get the hell out of my house?!" I screamed.  
  
"Nice apartment," he said, approvingly. "A bit on the small side and low on furnishings, but it's a lot better than what I thought street trash lived in."  
  
My dad looked up from the couch. "Hey Katsuya. Who's your friend?"  
  
"You're sober," I pointed out, ignoring the question.  
  
"You're hysterical."  
  
"Did you at least go to work today?" I asked, sighing.  
  
"Yeah...I was fired again, though. Sorry."  
  
"Don't apologize to me. I make just enough money to cover my costs. You've sucked my savings dry and the rent's overdue. You better find another job fast." I tossed my bag down and walked into the kitchen.  
  
"You're awfully forceful with your dad," Kaiba commented.  
  
"He's a drunk. A jerk sometimes, but really, someone's gotta look after him."  
  
"You're parents are split?"  
  
"Yeah, when I was real young." I pulled out the last instant cup ramen.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what?"  
  
"Why did your parents divorce? Was it `cause of your dad's drinking?"  
  
"Not really. He only started drinking heavy afterwards. Nah, my mom met another guy. Kind of abandoned us." I put a mug full of water on the microwave and put it on two minutes. "But we manage okay."  
  
"Your rent's overdue. Call me naive since I own my own house, but that's not good."  
  
"He'll handle it. I'll put my extra money from delivering papers...it's fine." I pulled the cup out of the microwave.  
  
"It's not boiling."  
  
"I know. I don't like waiting. Besides, the noodles taste good with a little hardness to them." I opened up the lid and dumped out the icky vegetables from the top, then walked over to the sink and began pouring the water in. "I don't see why my money matters is your concern."  
  
"It's just that...I have enough money to toss around. I could...help."  
  
"No you can't, that would involve being nice to someone, something you're incapable of." I pulled out a pair of chopsticks from the dish-drain and began chewing on my ramen.  
  
"Well, whatever, can we get onto the tutoring?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?" he asked, hands on his hips.  
  
"I don't want to. Go away." I walked into my room.  
  
And he followed.  
  
Sigh. 


	3. 03

"Honestly, Kaiba, I don't want you here, so just leave."  
  
He set his briefcase on the ground. "When I was younger, Jounochi, I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to help kids. So will you please let me at least try? If you really don't want to learn by the end of today, then I'll stop coming back." He spoke softly, close to being nice, like he really meant it.  
  
"Uh...okay..." I sat down on a pillow on the floor, legs crossed. "So teach me."  
  
He sat down on the ground across from me, pulling out several books. "Do you know any English words?"  
  
"Hai, yes. Iie, no."  
  
He pulled out a pair of glasses, putting them on, looking down at a notebook, writing. "Okay, good start. How about 'konnichi-wa'?"  
  
"Um...hey?" I guessed.  
  
"No. Hello. Or you can say it more casual like 'hi' and sometimes 'hey.'"  
  
"Hello?" I repeated. "Okay, simple enough," I said, eating some more ramen. "But how do I say words like 'calasu?'"  
  
"Class? When there's a lone consonant, try to using a soft, short 'e.' It usually works. Sounds like a fake enough English accent." He flipped through a list of vocabulary words. "Okay, here's one. Say 'puppy.'"  
  
"'Puppy,'" I reiterated to my best ability, not sure what I was saying.  
  
"Good, koinu."  
  
"Don't call me a godamned-- Is that was 'puppy' means?"  
  
"Mhmm," he said distractedly.  
  
I got over the stupid name long enough to get through the lesson. By the time Kaiba decided to pack up, I had learned the words "red," "seven," "duel," "monster," "teacher," among several others.  
  
"Not bad for an idiot," Kaiba said, packing up the books.  
  
"Hey! Go to hell, asshole!"  
  
"So am I coming back tomorrow?" he asked, not even batting an eye at the insult.  
  
"Yeah, sure, whatever," I muttered, crossing my arms.  
  
Instead of leaving, Kaiba made his way smoothly to me. "Jounochi," he said a bit softly, "you catch on quick. It wouldn't hurt you to try once in awhile."  
  
"Try at what? School? I'm not going to college. And you know, it wouldn't kill you if you tried once in awhile."  
  
"Try at what?" he said smoothly, crossing his arms.  
  
"Being a human being. Being nice. Or at least smiling once in awhile."  
  
A small, soft smirk, also known as a smile on anyone else but Kaiba, formed on his face. "How's this, Jounochi?"  
  
"Could use some improvement. It looks like you're trying to threaten me. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if--"  
  
"Shut up," he said softly, still smiling, really invading my personal space. It was like he was teasing me. I didn't like the feeling.  
  
Backing up, I said a bit shakily, "G-get out."  
  
He walked toward me, backing me up against the wall, still smiling. "Relax, Jou, I'm not trying to scare you."  
  
"I'm not scared!" I yelled, my back hitting the wall. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I screamed as he leaned into me.  
  
"Being nice," he said softly. He brought his lips to mine, taking my face in his hands.  
  
I pushed him off me. "Nice, Kaiba, not homosexual! You fucking faggot, let go of me!" I knocked him unsteady.  
  
He stumbled backwards a few feet, then steadied himself on my bed. He looked at me flushed.  
  
"Get the fuck out of my apartment, Kaiba. Now."  
  
"You're acting like I raped you."  
  
"You might as well have!"  
  
He picked up his briefcase. "I'll keep that in mind. See you tomorrow, Jounochi."  
  
~~~  
  
I slammed my fist into my wall. "That fucking weirdo! What the hell did he think he was doing?!"  
  
I picked up my razor from the floor and dug it into my arms. "AHHHHHH!" I screamed, letting the blood and tears fall freely.  
  
I wasn't the kind of masochism who numbed themselves. I felt the pain. Maybe even amplified. But that's what I liked.  
  
I fell on my knees, sobbing, digging my nails into my scalp. "Shit!"  
  
Moaning, I stumbled my way to my bed where I flopped down on my bed, sobs choking my breaths. 


	4. 04

"I apologize for yesterday," a voice broke into my sleep.  
  
I blinked my eyes open. "Hmmm? Kaiba?" I yawned.  
  
"You said we'd continue lessons, right?" he asked, moving over to my desk.  
  
I sat up groggily. "Yeah, I guess...isn't it a little early?"  
  
"I'm booked for the rest of the day. If you'd rather I come back tomorrow, I can--"  
  
"Hold it, jeez. Okay, right now is fine. Climb up on the bed."  
  
He stood at the foot of my bed, eyebrow raised. "Excuse me?"  
  
I motioned my hands, looking down and yawning. "Mmmm...yeah, get on the bed. Now."  
  
"You know, there's better places to learn things at and--" He yelped as I pulled him on the bed.  
  
"You woke me up at four in the morning, we're doing lessons on my bed."  
  
He situated himself on the bed. "All right, here we--"  
  
I jumped up. "Aw, shit." I began throwing clothes on.  
  
"What?" he asked, eyeing me carefully.  
  
"I have to get to work. Fuck, I'm sorry Kaiba, I have to--"  
  
"What's your job?"  
  
"Delivering papers. It's going to take me at least an hour--"  
  
"I'll have a servant do it."  
  
"Huh?" I stopped, my pants mid-way up my legs. "Why?"  
  
"Because you need to learn English, okay?" He pulled out a cell phone. "No questions." While he made the call, I noticed my arm was still bleeding in a few places.  
  
"Shit..."  
  
"What now?"  
  
"Get off the bed."  
  
He shook his head, climbing up. "Yes?"  
  
I began pulling my sheets, stained brownish-red, off the bed.  
  
He grabbed my arm. "What is this?"  
  
I pulled away from him. "None of your business, Kaiba. Leave it alone."  
  
"You're bleeding!" He glanced at the sheets. "Seriously, what the hell happened?"  
  
"I got cut, okay?"  
  
"No, it's not okay. Did you get in a fight or something?"  
  
"Or something," I said softly, carrying the sheets to the laundry pile.  
  
He followed me. "You could at least bandage it."  
  
"Why? It'll just get re-opened anyway."  
  
He pushed me against the wall. "Who does it, Jou? Fuck, tell me who did this to you."  
  
I knocked him off me. "Don't fucking touch me, Kaiba! I don't see why it matters anyway."  
  
"I'm concerned."  
  
I whirled around to stare at him. "What?" I asked, whispering.  
  
"I care, okay?"  
  
I turned back away from him. "Well, don't, okay? It's nothing you need to worry about."  
  
"Was it you? Did you cut yourself?"  
  
"Why would you think that?" I whispered.  
  
"Or was it your dad?"  
  
"No."  
  
"No? Then who?" He must have walked up behind me, because he's behind me now, almost hugging me. "Was it you?"  
  
I bit my lip nervously. Then nodded.  
  
His arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me close. "Why would you do that?"  
  
"Because I'm sad."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"I'm sad and I want to punish myself for ever feeling that way. I want to feel something...real. Not this sadness...just...reality." 


	5. 05

I suppose I was always crazy. That's hard to think of. That people start one way or the other. No choice in the matter.  
  
It has to be that way. Because I can't pinpoint the one point in my life when I crossed over. There was no: I'm sane. Now I'm insane. It didn't happen that way. It was like I was always slipping deeper and deeper into myself from every point in my life.  
  
I never was not crazy.  
  
It's like a pool. You jump in and you know you're between two points. But you're not. You're within the point. My life was being in water. One wrong move and I'll totally immerse myself. I kept getting deeper and deeper until I was standing on my tiptoes to keep myself from going under. But everyone knows that your tiptoes are unsteady.  
  
I was born in the pool.  
  
I was sad. I can't remember a point where I wasn't sad. I can't remember before I knew I was going to loose my mom and sister. I knew from the beginning that was going to happen. I didn't have a say in the matter.  
  
I can't remember before my life was miserable.  
  
Everything was tainted. I'm happy, but it won't last forever. I'm sad, but it could be worse.  
  
Back to the pool.  
  
When you finally slip completely under, it's too late. Being caught in the undertow, then being pulled completely under. You think, it wouldn't take much to get back out again. But that's a lie. Because the water is soothing. Time seems to stand still underwater, while the whole world goes on above the water, you can sit back and watch it. Being surrounded on all sides by the same, but still changing, substance is comforting. It means security. Security in your craziness.  
  
But you can't spend forever there, right?  
  
So you look up. You see how far it would be to get back up. When you see your old life through the distorted looking glass. It looks scary. It looks so big and intimidating. So you don't mind staying under. Staying under to what you're used to, now.  
  
So not only are you crazy.  
  
Being crazy feels safe.  
  
Because you're suddenly in all this *nothingness*, lost, confused, but it makes sense, too. You stay under because, being lost here, in you own nothingness could never compare to having to live *up there*, in the reality.  
  
I'll never forget what he said next. "Do you ever just want to slip out of reality and get lost in someone else?"  
  
Doing that. I think that was the worst thing I could do.  
  
Because, suddenly, I wasn't lost in myself, my pool, my water. I was lost in him, his pool, his water.  
  
And it was even more confusing.  
  
Because he had purposely left reality. So his view from the other side was even darker on reality. Made it even scarier to ever want return. And him, his water, it was even more secure.  
  
I never wanted to return. I never wanted to leave him. He held me so close, diving me even deeper into my madness... 


	6. 06

His grip tighten on me. "Do you ever just want to slip out of reality and get lost in someone else?"  
  
I made myself relax into him. "Hold me, please, god, just hold me."  
  
He turned me to face him, holding me close as I cried into his shoulder, stroking my hair gently.  
  
We were like that for several minutes, until he stopped petting me and slide his hand down to bring my face up. "Jounochi?" he began in a low voice, "would you hate me if I kissed you now?"  
  
I shook my head as he fitted his lips with mine, taking me completely within him.  
  
~~~  
  
"Konichi-wa."  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Arigato."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Ohayo."  
  
"Good morning."  
  
"Sayonara."  
  
"Good bye."  
  
"Tomodachi."  
  
"Friend."  
  
"Tamago."  
  
"Egg."  
  
"Baka."  
  
"Stupid."  
  
"Watashi."  
  
"I."  
  
"Nani."  
  
"What."  
  
"Yuki."  
  
"Snow."  
  
"Looks like you've got all the vocab. words down."  
  
"Cool," I said softly.  
  
He drew me into a kiss. "You hungry?"  
  
I shook my head. My knees were drawn to my chest, with my arms wrapped around them.  
  
He rubbed my back softly. "What do you wanna do? Just sit here?"  
  
I shrugged.  
  
"I'm thinking of heading to work."  
  
"I don't care," I said softly.  
  
"Unless you want me to stay."  
  
I shrugged.  
  
"Well, aren't you opinionated today," he said sarcastically, under his breath. He stood up and walked over to the window. "It's a nice day out. Even I wouldn't mind going out. Come on, we can sit in the park if you like."  
  
"If you want to."  
  
He walked over to me, eyes suddenly cold. He reached back and brought his palm to my cheek sharply. "Wake up!" he shouted. "Stop being so depressed!"  
  
I turned from him. "Please don't hit me," I said softly.  
  
"I'm punishing you, Jounochi!" he said in a loud voice. "Stop being sad or I'll punish you more!" When I made no motion to...do anything, he hit me again.  
  
I didn't even blink as he kept smacking me. I stared off into the other side, seeing the reality. Not liking it anymore than this moment with Kaiba.  
  
I caught his wrists this time. He must have hit me a few times, since my face stung. I stared into his blue eyes. He trembled, sniffling, trying to prevent himself from crying. I couldn't hate him. He was just as crazy as I was.  
  
I folded him to a hug. "It's okay, Kaiba, it's okay."  
  
"Let go of me!" he yelled, trying to push me away.  
  
"I love you, Kaiba," I whispered.  
  
He stopped and held me close. I pulled him on top of his bed. We laid together, drowning in each other. Lost. 


	7. 07

"Seto?"  
  
Kaiba glanced up. "Go away, Mokuba."  
  
"But Seto, someone's--"  
  
"Tell them to leave me alone," he said, laying his head back down.  
  
"But *Seto*--"  
  
"Leave me alone, Mokuba. I'm not in the mood."  
  
Mokuba shook his head and closed the door behind him.  
  
Kaiba stared up at the ceiling. "I hate people."  
  
I lied down on my side, staring at him lazily. "Mmmhmm."  
  
"They just won't leave me alone."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"You won't leave me, will you?"  
  
I squeezed his hand. "Nope."  
  
He started trailing his fingers through my hair. "I like your hair." He brought me closer and buried his face in my hair. "It smells good."  
  
"Conditioner." I looked up at him. "Are we pathetic?"  
  
He looked down at me, a slightly worried look on his face. "I don't care," he whispered.  
  
I leaned in for a kiss, but he turned away. "Stop it."  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
"You only try to kiss me when you feel worthless. Am I only a pick-me-up?"  
  
"Please don't start this," I whispered.  
  
"Start what, huh, Jounochi?" He began pinching me.  
  
"Stop it!" I screamed, trying to knock him away from me.  
  
That only allowed him room to start smacking me.  
  
We were crazy. Absolutely crazy. Things would be calm, pleasant even. But then one of us, usually Kaiba, would start attacking the other. Then the other, usually me, would retreat within themselves. It was scary in ourselves. So much that we'd beg the other to stop it and let us back into their madness.  
  
Today, it was my turn.  
  
"Stop it, Kaiba! Stop it!"  
  
"Why? So you can go back to being sad? Do you like being sad, huh? I think you do! I think you like loosing yourself in me. You don't have to face how worthless and unimportant you are!"  
  
"If I'm so unimportant then why do you need me?!" I yelled at him.  
  
He stopped.  
  
I stopped.  
  
I hadn't said my line.  
  
I hadn't said what I was supposed to say.  
  
I hadn't played my part.  
  
I had become rational for a minute.  
  
Causing him to become rational.  
  
We had dipped our heads out of the pool.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said softly.  
  
We didn't look at each other for several long minutes, uncomfortable around each other.  
  
He suddenly pulled me close. "Please, I'm sorry," he whispered.  
  
"I'm falling..." I whispered.  
  
Those three minutes. Those three minutes in the real world had aged us a trillion years. We couldn't survive without each other. We were vulnerable, like newborns. We need the protected embryo of our madness to survive. The real world was too harsh.  
  
As we clutched onto each other, we both thought about how we never wanted to see the real world again. We were content in each other. We were safe in each other.  
  
He kissed me.  
  
The kisses had begun almost immediately. They were actually what had pulled us completely under. But they didn't mean anything. They were sad attempts to *feel* again. Though none of them ever worked.  
  
I kissed him back, slipping my tongue in his mouth. He seemed surprised, but didn't pull away. He began kissing me harder, slipping his cold hands under my shirt. I laid back, allowing him to dominant me, though that didn't seem to be what he wanted for once. He gently kissed at me, but touched me even less, scared all-of-a-sudden.  
  
"It's okay," I said breathlessly. "It's okay, touch me."  
  
He pulled off my shirt, trailing kisses along my chest, sucking on my skin as he began undoing my pants. He shimmied them off, leaving me completely exposed to him. He stared at me, his eyes wondering everywhere. He eyebrows knitted together.  
  
"What's wrong?" I whispered, confused.  
  
"This isn't right. You're suppose to... This is supposed to be amazing, but all I feel is...nothing. Numb. Bored."  
  
"We're crazy, Kaiba. It hurts too much to feel."  
  
"Crazy people don't know they're crazy."  
  
"When you can see sanity from where we're at; when you can tell the difference between our lives and theirs, you're crazy. You're still crazy and knowing it doesn't make any difference."  
  
He leaned in and began sucking at my neck. "Why can't I feel?" he mumbled into my neck.  
  
I wrapped my arms around his back, pulling him closer, rubbing myself against him until I was humping him. "I want you, Kaiba. Please...take me..."  
  
He began biting my neck, my shoulder, my arms, my hand, my chest, my lips. He bit me as I pressed myself against him.  
  
"Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please..." I chanted, flushed as his teeth tore into my skin, breaking it, bruising it, making it bleed. I screamed as I released myself against him.  
  
He leaned up, letting his eyes trail over my body once again. He smiled. "You're beautiful." He leaned down and gave me a kiss around my gasping.  
  
His smile let me know he was pulling himself out of the water. And leaving me behind. 


	8. 08

No, I'm not saying he wasn't still crazy. Certainly, he was still crazy.  
  
But he wasn't the same kind anymore.  
  
He was controlling, manipulative, abusive.  
  
All things you do above water.  
  
It's what the harsh world makes you become when you're crazy, but can't, or choose not to, loose yourself in a person anymore.  
  
But since I was still lost in him, he abused me.  
  
I decided to stop going to his house, though. Even though I didn't want to pull myself out of the pool, I didn't want to stick around anymore. So I didn't go over there anymore.  
  
It had started for English, but it spun into something completely different. Over a period of ten days. Ten days. That's all. So what happened? Was I so long lost that I was just *waiting* for someone to let me become crazy? So Kaiba presented himself. And I took the ticket. The one-way ticket to crazy.  
  
One-way means you can't leave. Not the way you came. It wasn't as simple as just leaving. I couldn't just cut Kaiba out of my life anymore. He was there and I was stuck with him.  
  
I was stuck being crazy.  
  
So if I'm crazy, what's everyone else? I'd barley call Ryou or Yugi sane. They have spirit/split personalities and Ryou is in major denial about his entire life. At least I've come to terms to my insanity. Now all I want is an explanation. Marik certainly isn't sane. Even without the split personality.  
  
So are we all crazy? Or am I just one of the few with their head all the way under water?  
  
Or all we all crazy and it's just whether we divulge into it more than someone else?  
  
Is Honda, who seems perfectly normal in all aspects, except his hairstyle, silently suffering the same as me? Is he just better at hiding than me?  
  
Than if we're all crazy, why isn't the world full of only people who hide behind themselves? Why is there organization and people in charge? There's the captive and captors, right? Or all we all just a slave to ourselves and some people have more freedom than others do?  
  
It must be like Kaiba. Some people are dominating. They need all people listening to them and doing what they say to feel...alive? Is insanity feeling dead?  
  
Well, lets look at the facts.  
  
I'm sad. I'm crazy. And I feel like I've taken a break from reality. I have withdrawn and invested myself in Kaiba.  
  
Or was I ever alive? If I was always crazy, then was I ever alive? Did I fight, drink, smoke, fuck to feel alive? So when I stopped, what happened? Did I stop living? No. I dueled. I hung with my friends.  
  
But was I alive?  
  
Or was I a puppet? A puppet for gangs, Yugi...now Kaiba? And if Kaiba is my puppeteer, then am I even crazier?  
  
Yes. 


	9. 09

"Jounochi?"  
  
"Yes?" I said softly.  
  
"We have school tomorrow. Do you think you know all the English?"  
  
I had returned to my puppeteer. A puppet can't fake being alive without someone to pull the strings.  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
"So does life go back to normal? You walk out of here and we never look at each other again?" He came over and smacked me. "Or do we keep going on like this?"  
  
It had already been ten days. Hard to believe what had happened in only ten days. Am I crazier than I was before we began?  
  
Yes.  
  
Or was I sane before all this?  
  
He straddled me, holding me close, sucking on my neck.  
  
"Kaiba..." I whispered.  
  
"Yes?" he whispered into my neck.  
  
"Would it even be possible? Can you go back from this?"  
  
"I can go back to anything I want to, Jounochi. I control my life."  
  
"No you don't."  
  
He stared at me. He didn't smack me like I expected. Just stared. "Explain."  
  
"We're all crazy."  
  
He leaned in, smiling, petting my hair. "Maybe we are. But is being crazy being possessed? Being controlled by demons and Satan? Or is being crazy taking control? Pulling out of life and living where only we have an affect? I look at you and I couldn't feel less. You have no effect on me. I am in control of my life. Completely. I can't control what's out there," he waved his hand dismissive, "but I can control what's here, what's me. If that's being crazy, then yes, I'm nuts. But you see, Jounochi, you can't control yourself. You're worse than everyone out there because you need them." He waved his hand towards the window. "You need someone here and so you're worse than crazy. There's no word for someone like you."  
  
"I'm sad," I whispered.  
  
"You're pathetic, Jounochi, that's what you are."  
  
I didn't look at him as he left. I wasn't sure where he was going or how long he'd be gone.  
  
I felt alone. Lost, confused.  
  
Who was I?  
  
If I wasn't even crazy, what was I?  
  
Why did I need to label myself? Because I didn't even know who I was? I had always been whatever I had lost myself in. So without someone or something to loose myself, I'm nothing. But I can't be nothing.  
  
I walked over to a mirror, zombie-like. I stared at the reflection. I didn't see what was there. I saw the mask. The dark brown eyes, the wild, wavy blonde hair. The set jaw and the faint scars peaking out from my shirt.  
  
"Who am I?" I asked aloud.  
  
If I was nothing inside, what was I outside? A boy. A decent looking boy. I've been told I'm even good looking. But is that what I am? No. Look deeper. I got within inches of the mirror, begging it to tell me what I was. I fell to my knees, still staring into the eyes of my reflection.  
  
"Tell me who I am!" I demanded.  
  
When nothing was divulged to me, I hit the dresser hard. "Tell me who I am!" I yelled, hitting the drawers over and over.  
  
I stopped, gasping, my knuckles bleeding. I glanced at one of the drawers that had gotten jarred open. Something shiny caught my eye. I opened the drawer wider, pulling the item out.  
  
A loaded gun.  
  
I pointed the gun at my reflection. "Who am I?" I whispered.  
  
"I am sad," I answered back.  
  
Then shot the gun.  
  
The bullet hit the mirror and shattered it.  
  
The pieces rebounded off and blasted me in the face.  
  
I fell back, dropping the gun. I laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling feeling my eyes fill with tears. They fell down my face, burning in the cuts, deluding the blood.  
  
I gasped as I laid there in shock. "I'm sad," I whispered. I let out a sick laugh and began chanting it. "I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sad..."  
  
~~~  
  
Kaiba found me like this, laughing, crying, chanting, gasping.  
  
How could he say I wasn't crazy?  
  
Well, I'm not.  
  
I'm sad.  
  
~~~ 


	10. 10

The cuts will heal. The scars will fade.  
  
With the money left over from my sister's operation, I could have major plastic surgery and fix everything. On the outside.  
  
But I'm not the outside.  
  
I'm not blonde and brown-eyed. That's not who I am.  
  
I'm Jounochi.  
  
I'm scarred. On the inside. I've managed to pull myself out of the water, but I'm still numb from the experience. All the money in the world couldn't pay for enough psychotherapy to help me fix everything. But Kaiba will try. For both of us.  
  
He was my retreat before and now I can say he's my salvation. He's what makes it bearable.  
  
I scared all my other friends. Yugi and Ryou can't deal with me. Anzu never liked me to begin with. And Honda, try as he might, just won't get it. So that leaves me with Kaiba. It's hard to say he's my friend. But I suppose he is. He won't ever call himself that, but that's okay. He's my sugar daddy.  
  
Yeah, that feels good. Joking, laughing, I haven't done that in forever. Even he does sometimes. Though, I don't always get the jokes. We do group therapy together. Well, we do everything together. There isn't much we feel safe doing alone. Just knowing the other is nearby is good enough.  
  
Mokuba is starting to get it. He's been understanding the entire time and probably thought that Kaiba needed therapy for a LONG time. So if you have the therapist's point-of-view, it's our bad childhood, unstable family relations, and difficulty in relating to others that alienated ourselves. But we both made a conscious choice at one point to pull out of reality completely.  
  
Being crazy isn't cut and dry. It isn't one thing and not another. It's when life leaves you behind. Either you choose to or you don't. Either you try to run after it, or you like staying behind. Which was I? Both. I ran after life, trying to keep up with it for as long as I could but eventually stopped once Kaiba offered the other alternative. Loosing myself in him. Letting life leave me behind.  
  
It seems people chase reality their entire life. Is that saner than what I had done? I suppose. So why doesn't it feel that way? Or is it I don't feel comfortable? As unpleasant as being crazy would seem, it's *easy* to sit back and stay under water.  
  
But here I am. A sixteen-year-old trying to answer questions that centuries of people before me never could.  
  
It's just easier to say I was born this way.  
  
My brain was wired differently. And the magic pills will make me normal again.  
  
I stopped taking prescriptions. The doctors are trying to fix the brain wiring when that's not the problem. They're using brain-altering pills to fix a mind problem. Being insane is something wrong in the way we *see* life. It's not that we don't see what's there. We see a bed, yes. But what the bed is associated with is when you start treading on that sane/insane path.  
  
Seeing sleep, tired, sex. That's normal. That's what you're supposed to see.  
  
Seeing safe haven, crying, nightmares. That's insane. That's what I have to fight not to see.  
  
Seeing a tree and thinking it can hurt you. Seeing a cute puppy and being jealous. That's insane.  
  
Did I choose to see these things? No. Then I didn't choose to be insane.  
  
But chose to stop fighting. That's when you've lost it.  
  
For some people, they always have to fight it. Kaiba and I are both examples. We have to fight to see sleep, not a haven.  
  
So I'm not as sane as Honda. But I'm not completely lost like I was.  
  
We still loose ourselves in each other. But not to the same extent. We'll lie together, holding each other, but we won't be under each other's water. Our minds still spin like normal people's. We still think thoughts, we still feel. We just happen to find each other comforting.  
  
I guess what I did--destroying my mask--let Kaiba see how lost we both were. How we were only keeping up appearances and once that mask is blown away, we're left only with the fact we're not normal.  
  
I'm not sad.  
  
Not anymore. 


End file.
